If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Couch. On fire.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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