i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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