Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
