the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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