Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You ate ashes out of my bong
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