Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
