I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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