Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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