Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
