my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
