there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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