my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
