We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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