the condom got lost in my hair
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
