i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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