Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
