How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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