I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just found puke in my bra..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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