He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
