if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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