Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
