hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
