Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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