Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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