Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
