At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
