Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
