there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
