i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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