dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
