I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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