the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
