I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
