On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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