I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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