Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
