; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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