her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
