i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
