The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
