im drinking this country out of the recession.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
