But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
