he was CRYING into my vagina
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
