i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
