Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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