Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
