I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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