we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
