Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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