Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
